October 9, late at night
	I long for love so deeply. From the age of 15 until two months ago love defined every part of my existence and therefore future. But it wasn't quite right. I long for the dramatics, the passion, the excitement. Does that exist? 
	I know love exists because I am absolutely brimming with it. I love everyone and everything. I love my family, my friends, my cat, my house, the sun and the trees and everything I come in contact with. I love in a way that makes the world seem brighter. Loving makes me feel so so incredible. But to be loved? To feel the reciprocation of this feeling which consumes and captivates me? Somehow this is scarce. I suppose it could be possible that there is a difference between the way the love feels inside me and the way I project it. I am not aware of my exterior, and I fear I have forgotten myself in these equations. But to hold my heart outside of myself- warm and dripping- means it is defenseless. Just as soon as it could be struck by cupid’s arrow, it could be punctured by a stray dagger. It has been punctured many a time. I am afraid. I want to be held, to be seen. I want someone to lay next to me and make my heart quiet. To settle the ache inside my soul. 

To wake me up with coffee, kiss me softly, 
The sun shines onto your face, eyes illuminated.
To share a meal and laughs and a toothbrush
To say goodbye and not rush. 
To know you are close, even when far
Because you are inside my heart
Nestled into my scar. 

	Am i ready? Not in the slightest. I dont want a partner right now. I know that because being alone right now is the hardest habit ive ever had to pick up. I hate it i hate it i hate it. I hate the voice in my head, i much prefer my physical voice. The voice inside is a flowing spring of evil and sadness and desperation and self loathing. I dont want to listen to her. But i have to. I can not live a life as half a person, and right now im not sure im even that. I am 21 and just barely on the cusp of real adulthood. Ive never lived alone, travelled to the places I want, gotten a job i care about, made enough memories with friends. I like doing what I want. I know that i want love because I am bored. I used to know exactly where I belonged any spare second I had, and i hated it. It drove me absolutely insane and it drove away the love in an incredible relationship. But that is a responsibility i did not carry alone. 
	So i will be bored. I will lay on the grass in my backyard, listening to the crickets and birds, and feel the sun on my skin. My face will grow warm and freckles will show, and little bugs will crawl inside my shoes. And I will lay still, letting the breeze move my hair so slightly. No one will care where I am or what im doing, because i am free. Eventually i will get up, slowly and gently. Big stretch. Time to get back to the day, but i will remember the clarity of that moment. And tomorrow the same.